To Break the Tunnel Vision of Jealousy…

Disclaimer:

Providers have different emotional boundaries in business relationships.

Imagine a long spectrum – from low to high. On the left end, a provider will cut a client loose or refer him to a friend the moment she thinks he’s getting too attached; on the right end, a provider has enough patience walking a client through his every emotional turbulence. This spectrum is so long, that a provider on the extreme left can feel those on the other end may be having their labour abused, that’s how long the spectrum is.

This blog aims to provide insights on how to process jealousy, but, first and foremost, let me emphasise that:

1. Clients’ feelings are valid.

Like all human emotions, jealousy is valid and shouldn’t simply be dismissed.

Many men (men like my own father) would die without understanding how to effectively process their ‘’unpleasant feelings”, if you’re reading this blog, I hope it can give you some useful angles to look at difficult situations, so that you won’t feel the need to dismiss, suppress, aggressively lash-out, or emotionally withdraw from… your own emotions.

2. Providers’ boundaries are valid.

A provider should be able to stop seeing a client as easily as a client disappearing into the thin air. Some providers dislike emotional attachment; some simply don’t have the time. The best thing a client can do is to respect rules and limitations. *There’s a difference between love and obsession, bottom line is don’t let yourself become a criminal.”

Now let’s try expand a few common tunnel visions by adding some perspectives from me as a provider

1. “I see my provider posting luxurious experiences I could never afford to offer her.”

  • Remind yourself she’s a sex worker, she’s posting about her work. The more you digest that sex work is a professional service, the more jealousy it takes off your mind reading her posts.
  • This is really not a… pissing contest. If you’ve ever fully devoted yourself to more than two women in your life, you’ll know: “It’s not comparable.” That other client, I can most certainly assure you, can’t and won’t provide the exact feeling you make her feel. Won’t you say that uniqueness weights more than money?
  • Functionality-wise, those posts are thank-you notes. They’re first-and-foremost meant for the eyes of that patron who paid for the experience. For other clients and not-yet-clients, they serve a purpose of informing them what’s possible (e.g. “I’m able to travel to X or do Y upon request”), and definitely not posted to make anyone feel bad.

2. “I planned a grand date plan for the two of us but someone else beat me to it. Now that plan kind of feel… a lot less amazing.”

  • Even the exact same itinerary can feel drastically different with different companion.
  • Providers don’t have the energy to compare clients during a date. Especially, if it’s a travel companion date or a fly-me-to-you. My own experience tells me most of my brain cells are laser-focused on the client, and constantly working out schedules, maps, transport, restaurant bookings, lube or condom supplies… my headspace is a one man’s travel agency running 24hours, there is zero capacity to compare clients.
  • Communicate with your provider. I believe many grand date plans, whether it’s the location, activities or year of time, mean a lot to the client, and I’d hate to see them crossed off just because “it’s not that original for her.” Do you feel “originality” for *her* beats how much that plan means to *you*?

3. “My financial ability can’t allow me to see her as often as I’d like… I’m experiencing some jealous feelings towards her other clients.”

  • IMPORTANT: Don’t let pleasure become a toxic addiction. Every sane provider wants her clients to plan their spending rationally. “Sane” may not be the best word, but if your provider has any basic respect or affection for you, she wouldn’t want to see you bankrupting yourself just to see her.
  • An addiction is an one-way ticket to guilt, regret and blame.
  • Try reminding yourself: it’s her job to entertain her other clients. If it all looks super glamorous, it just means she’s doing a great job.

4. “I see her talking about long orgasms (or other amazing sexual experiences) online, I don’t know if I can give her that level of stimulation and it kind of bothers me.”

  • IMPORTANT: Functionality-wise, as least in my experience, posts about what my body can do and feel, is to let the clients and not-yet-clients know what’s possible. Good sex can drench my underwear, I can have orgasm so long my legs keep shaking for minutes… That’s about my biology, and definitely not about shaming anyone’s performance or any particular encounter as subpar.
  • Intimacy isn’t a checklist. A simple way to explain this is that while I enjoy long penetrative sex with Mr A, I may not enjoy that with Mr B, or that just isn’t as important between Mr B and I. Whether that’s because Mr B can give me 40mins long orals that makes me shiver like a little animal, or that he simply clicks with me better in intellectual conversations… It just shows that you don’t need to jump hoops of sexual performances for us to appreciate and care for each other.
  • Don’t compare your own body to another’s. It’s pointless to force your body to compete with another. Only a small percentage of women can squirt; it doesn’t mean a woman’s sexual confidence/competence is only granted upon that ability. It’s equally nonsensical to judge a women’s body based on how much natural lubricant she can produce; or to judge a man’s body on how long he can keep an erection. Sex is not a competition.
  • Communicate with your provider. We all have body-related insecurities. Sex work is so much about openness and honesty towards sex and our bodies, and more importantly to accept the possibility to grow. Even if you’re in doubt, talk to your provider, you never know the things your bodies can do until they actually happen…

 

These are some of the burning questions my client and I combed off from our last discussion, please feel free to leave me a comment below, if you’d like to contribute your experience with jealousy in business relationships xx

Jealousy is not a dal-breaker, we all have it, best to remove the shame and fear so it has less control over our lives 🙂

 

Until we meet…
Yuko

 

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